Sometimes the people who bring you into this world, are the exact people you have to get out of your world at a later time in life. I grew up in a house where I was abused and neglected for most of my life. A father who never cared, was always disappointed, and took every chance he got to let everyone around him know how much he hates his life. A mother, who was, in some ways, worse than him. A spineless woman who placed all of her burdens on your tiny, barely developed shoulders because she was too much of a coward to feel the weight of the reality she birthed you in. A cousin, who sexually abused you because of demons and cycles he could not break down. An aunt and grandma filled with the most evil you’ve seen in your entire life. Evil you won’t forget for the rest of your life. Evil that shaped the lens in which you see the world. Evil that haunts you some days if you let it creep back in.

Regardless, I’m proud to say I kept my eyes on the prize. I moved away for a few years to another country to go to law school and ended up breathing fresh air for the first time in my life. I came back with a new perspective. Maybe a family’s love is exactly what I need, I’d think. Maybe I can fix them, I’d think. Maybe now that I have done what no one in this lineage has done, maybe now I am worthy. Maybe I’ve climbed the ranks enough to be seen and loved, I’d think. Maybe. 

The funny thing about life is that you learn you were always worthy. It was those around you that were not. The reason they belittle and shame, the reason they couldn’t nurture you in the way that you needed/need is because they themselves feel, and are unworthy. These people will not change. You could land on the moon and pluck a perfect star for them and it would not change the way in which they view you.

Thus, your only mission in this life is to let go of the fear and sadness that they birthed inside of you and quiet your mind. Listen to your soul. It knows how to heal you. It knows where to take you. It knows all. When there is no child in your childhood, it is up to you to see the adult in your adulthood. 

They say healing is a tumultuous rollercoaster. A scorned mistress. A battleground filled with heathens. 

What are your options when healing refuses to find a home in you? Despite your best and consistent efforts?

You keep going. 

You drown out the noise - the same way you have for most of your life - and you keep swimming for a shore you know exists. A shore you’ve yearned to dock your life’s boat at. The illusion of a shore that tastes so sweet, yet is always out of reach. 

Keep going. 

One day you will understand why healing could not nestle in your body, mind and soul just yet. You’ll realize that no one is completely “healed.” We’re all a bunch of mad boys and girls running around in the rat race that is life, chasing healing but never quite reaching it.

Just keep going. 

Today, I’m here to write for all those kids who grew up being mistreated by the people meant to protect them. To the kids that were: ignored, abused, taunted, mistreated and/or belittled by their care takers. I was abused a lot in the early years of my life: physically, emotionally and sexually. The great trifecta right? You must be thinking wow she’s probably so f****d up now as an adult? I figured it out - but yes, I was fucked up for many, many years. In more ways than I had the ability to understand until now. I’m here to say you can HEAL. You have the weapons in your arsenal to–step by step– walk up the stairway to healing and leading a normal life.

I used to have a friend in elementary school. I loved going to her house. She had a mom who shined like the sun, basking in happiness and the Lord. A dad, who was so in love with the mom’s light and the family they had created. A brother, who was the funniest boy around. I remember being in awe and thinking ‘wow, so much love and light .’ What i don’t remember thinking is ‘why am I yearning for this, why the f**k is my family so odd?’

I grew up in pretty much the antithesis of love and light. I had a mom whose light had been stolen from her years before I came into the picture. She was a lifeless woman. A dad, who abused my mom, me and my siblings in anyway he could. An abusive dad, and childlike mom. He never gave a flying fuck about us, and she would walk behind him like a good little dog on a leash. So when I was sexually abused - I couldn’t tell a soul. My fragile little mind blocked it out. That is until I started being sexual with the POS I was dating at the time (that’s a story for another time). It all came flooding back - I remember thinking wow that was not right. I held it in. I stayed quiet. It was heavy. It was crushing me. I started smoking and drinking. Pretty much anything to forget the reality that only I had been living in. 

So when they found out that a family member had been sexually abusing me: let me just say, it was NOT the reaction I’d dreamt about under the weight of a soul crushing secret I had held all on my own. They normalized it. They behaved as if it was just something that happens. My dad wanted to continue on having a relationship with the pedophile and his family because well let’s be real - he probably loves them more than me. My mom followed behind like the good little dutiful wife she is. 

This tore me to pieces. Actually, it tore the little girl in me to pieces. She knew as a mere 10 year old kid, that there was no safe space to indulge in these horrific events. But once I was torn and my pain could not be smoked away or drunk away: there was only one way left to go and it was up. So I climbed with all my might like my life depended on it - because in a way it did. 

I dug deep. I ditched my POS boyfriend, picked up meditation, yoga, and I healed that broken little girl in me. I replaced the energy I’d smoke and drink away with working out. I put focus on my career and physical health. I began to treat my “family” as temporary things n my life - that would live in the shadows (where they belong) once I became financially liquid enough to put them there.

It’s a hard road. There are still moments that I curse the hand I was dealt. Moments where it all comes crashing down and feels too heavy to shoulder. However, it got me to immense success and recognition. Often times, hard times are there to turn you into the person you are meant to become. So to all those kids who are/were: ignored, abused, taunted, mistreated and/or belittled by those meant to nurture and love them - you will be okay. I love you. Shuffle the deck, and change the hand you’ve been dealt-love yourself, keep your head down and get to your end destination. You ARE worthy. 

kushandwizdom:

- Meggan Roxanne

powerchuff:

I love my past.
Each moment may not have been good but the whole picture is still pretty and I cherish it.